Call me Ginger (or Fred)

I have a 16 count solo in my tap recital, and I have to tell you, I'm freakin' tickled pink about it. I only wish we weren't wearing tuxedo shirts so that my jacked arms would show.

Someone pass me a bun

I was a Taco Bell virgin until Saturday night. It really was like bad sex-I could have made it at home more quickly and better, without the bother of putting on makeup first.

EWWW!

After the blood laden, clumpy, scarlet red tampon plopped into the toilet water and gently unfolded in the ripple, I was struck by how much it looked like a jelly fish floating in the sea.

My GYN appears unconcerned about my heavy periods, a new development within the past year. "We could put you on the pill," she suggested. "Well, it affects my moods," I replied, thinking, huh, do they recommend that women start the pill at 36? "Oh," she continued, "and your HPV test from last year was slightly abnormal." "WHAT?" I exclaimed. I had been tested for EVERYTHING after a calamitous breakup with a guy who would fuck a telephone pole. "How come no one notified me?"
"Your pap was normal," she said reassuringly. "We'll run those tests again, of course."
Two weeks later...
"Your HPV came back normal," the lab tech said.
"Thank God."
"But your pap had some irregularities. The doctor has decided to read it as normal because the HPV is fine, and she'll retest both next year."

Should I get a new GYN?

Lions and tigers and bears

How I long for the days when all I worried about was running into another mouse at school. That was a sweet time, an innocent time, when I was startled by a small rodent in the recycling bin, or came across some droppings in the corner underneath a notebook.

We recently had the basement of our building tested for radon. A few tests came out with readings above 4. "Oh, that kinda stinks," you might say, "but when would you or your students be in the basement anyway?"

Oh, every day, from at least 8:45 to 3:30, longer for teachers, because that's where our "learning community" is housed.

"Well, at least you've only been there for a year and a half."

True, but the one other school with high readings? Not only did I teach there for 8 years, I attended the school as a child. Where was the cafeteria way back when? In the basement.

The up side to all this is that I am now telling myself that radon killed the hermit crabs in November, and not my ineptitude at caring for pets. I should probably clean out the tank...

Deep, burning shame

Since no one reads this, I am going to admit that I like the new Mariah Carey song Touch My Body and that Miley Cyrus one I can't Wait to See You Again (?). I mean really, who can't help but laugh when she calls her sister Stutterbrain?

Toby is the devil

I wish I could remember who told me to watch The Office so that I could kick him.

Twenty-three positions in a one night stand

As I was driving in a nice neighborhood on the way to work a few Fridays ago, I happened to glance over to the houses on my left. An elderly woman using a walker was making her way slowly up to the pathway to a large house with a manicured lawn. The car that had just dropped her off was a brand new Buick that contained an elderly gentleman. Even though the woman was sporting clothing that looked expensive, something was a bit off. Her hair was NOT carefully coiffed, and the orange/red lipstick that most sophisticated ladies of her age and stature wear was noticeably missing.

Then it hit me. She was doing the old lady walk of shame!

Snow day???

Great, I spent 20 minutes yesterday afternoon explaining the difference between a hexagon and an octagon to my friend's first grader and used the example of an octopus to illustrate "8", and now this:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080303/sc_afp/sciencebritainanimalhexapusoffbeat

I was going to bitch about work, but it's too depressing. Our district's structure is being dismantled and morale is terrible, especially after the emails the staff received about not talking to each other during playground duty, and "gossiping, disrespect and failure to follow directives must cease immediately". This is funny, in a way, because for the most part, teachers are rule- following sheep. Have you ever read old accounts about the duties of teachers from the late 1800's, duties which included cleaning out the fireplace and sweeping the floors? Guess what almost all of us do 4 afternoons out of 5? Sweep out floors, have students bring the recycling to a central location, dust and occasionally spot mop. Glad I got that second degree.*

*And I mean no disrepect to people who have cleaning jobs-work is work, but do you want me to prepare instructional materials for my students at 68K a year, or sweep? 'Cause I'm not staying past 6 to do both.

** I guess I did bitch about work. I love my students, though.

Squat

End of a training session, a sore KS with the beginnings of an ocular migraine, screaming quads and tight hamstrings.

Trainer (31, in shape, handsome, intelligent. Had a short crush on him 5 years ago, which I barely remembered until...): Lie down on the floor. We'll stretch you out. I'm trying to get more therapeutic again.

KS (a rodent into light bondage) lies down on her back, arms outstretched. The trainer has her bend one knee and fold it across the other leg until it almost touches the floor, while he...

uses his right arm to hold down her left arm, his right knee to apply pressure on her knee, and his left leg is stretched out across her right thigh and a bit of torso, his left arm on her right shoulder.

I swear to God, if I were a man, I would have felt something move.