Originally, he was going to be Al Gore

My 16-year-old son shaved, put on his best suit and tie, and made a sign that said, "I dressed up for Halloween" before going out to trick-or-treat with two 16-year-old girls.

Hmm, I wonder where he got his sense of humor.

Boo

I no longer think I have a mouse in the kitchen but rather a saltine seeking poltergeist.

Hey baby

I want a line in your obituary, but not as the cause of death.

Eight and one half hours of uninterrupted sleep, and I feel like a new person. Yesterday's post could have only been the result of sleep deprivation. That pick-up line I thought of? Before I got some sleep. The apple cider donuts? Before I got some sleep. The high waisted, wide-legged jeans? Ok, that was just stoooopidity.

Clumsy

Hell No! I ain't insecure! Watch me march into any place, my strides long, confident, shit-eating grin on my face, witty banter at the ready. Hey, you talkin' to me? Huh, I thought so. No, the tattoo did not hurt. Mm-hmm, yep, own my own home, have two degrees, a son on the Honor roll. Alimony? No, the judge wanted me to pay him, but he knew better than to accept. Uh, yeah, I date, but guys usually annoy or bore the hell out of me after two months. Sure, yeah, I'd like to meet your daughters. Wow, they're beautiful, and smart. And thanks for calling when you said you would, and for the rose, and the sweet message. The way you hold me feels incredible. I love the way you pull me close at night, and the way we laugh together. Wow...um, hey, ah...you still seeing other people? Cause, um, you know, I could easily...I could easily...nah, never mind. Oh, my God, I won't say this out loud, but I...please, God, let him say it first, and soon, because I'm fit to burst. I hope he feels it too, and if not, have him tell me that before it really, really hurts.

Ewwwww

Remember Bloom County? I think there was a huge roach that used to sneak into the kitchen and eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. I'm afraid I'm going to come home and find a rat has donned my silkiest thong and is licking my vibrator.

.

Whacha gonna do

3:30 a.m.
Rustling in the kitchen, and what sounds like ice clinking in a glass.
"A****, is that you?"
Silence.
"A****?"
The hum of the refrigerator ebbs, and I think, "Oh, must have been the motor."

4:00 a.m.
More noise from the kitchen.
Oh God, I think, Crazy ex-Boyfriend has finally broken in. I'm scared for a minute, then think, No, Fuck that shit, after all he did to me? ONE of us will leave this house, and it's gonna be me, singing Cell-block Tango at the top of my lungs.

But part of me is very, very scared. SO scared, in fact, that I realize constipation will not be one of today's problems.

More rustling, but I can't fathom the exact location from atop the pile of blankets and pillows that raise me on the bed as far as possible from the floor. The cupboards? The porch? The oven?

It's probably a rat, I decide, but what do I do? I sleep naked, and I should act quickly. My knee high black boots, those could protect me against rat bites. But what if I have to call the police? What if it IS J***, and the police come and I'm naked in high black boots holding a knife against his throat? (Yeah, the irony.) What if it IS a rat, and I call the police, and they think I'm one of those weirdo pervs that likes to stomp rodents? (I swear, all of this went through my mind.) And boots without stockings make me feet sweat-do I have any stockings nearby? What do I do???

So, from atop my perch, I reach over to the bureau and throw a water bottle into the kitchen. Then a flip flop. And a sneaker, and a vitamin water bottle, (hey, you should keep hydrated, even at night) then a shoe box and a deodorant.

Nothing for ten minutes, then rustling. By this point, I'm pretty sure it's from the oven or stove area.

I turn on the light in the bedroom. Nothing happens. I put on one flip flop and creep into the living room to turn on the light. Nothing. I sneak around into the far side of the kitchen and turn on that light. Nothing. I step forward and trip on the sneaker.

I walk gingerly closer to the stove, and keeping back as far as possible, naked ass sticking out Betty Boop style, sporting one neon green flip flop, reach over and turn the oven to broil.

Smells like chicken, I think, laughing, but close to tears.

Piss

Dear stupid fucking diary,

Forget it, where's the tequila. Not having liquor in the house seems like a good idea 95% of the time, except for...now.

Too late for the guard up thing, so now I'm more into him than he is into me, so to speak, so I have to do the talk thing, then explain why it's probably better that we don't see each other because (well, I may just love the guy) but one knows when it's not reciprocated, even if there is a genuine fondness and whole lotta of fun being had. Maybe some women would give an ultimatum, but if after 4 months the guy is still active on the personal sites that pretty much says it all. If you have to ask or tell him to take down his profile, it's probably not agonna work, and waiting much longer will just bring more insecurity, and wait long enough, heartbreak.

This sucks.

Confused...

as usual.

OOps, my bad

Men for sex, women for emotional connection.

Come on, KS, you should know by now-romantic relationships don't work for you. Guard up! Smile on! Now go!

Go

I come in peace.This past weekend, I had an extremely vivid and very frightening dream that you and A**** were seriously hurt in a very bad car accident. On Sunday, I drove past your house several times, and I didn't see your car and for some reason it seemed to have an unusually quite feel.I don't expect a response, but even after all the pain and heartbreak I think about you and your family every single day.I pray that you're ok.Jeff

Fuck you Jeff. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you fuckyoufuckyou

You want to know my dreams Jeff? I hardly have them because I can't sleep. The best one in recent memory-after taking a sleeping pill and barely getting any sleep-was this.

My father is working in a mammoth restaurant kitchen that somehow the public can occasionally see into. I approach him because I am terrified that you are using drugs and I hope that he can help. I plead with him for advice, action, anything. He looks at me and says,
"Maybe he likes the drugs. Maybe he likes the way it feels. It takes him away. What's the big deal?"

Crushed, I turn away and begin to leave. I turn back one last time and see that he has bent down and is furtively snorting a line of coke. I am terrified and immobile. He straightens up, shrugs, and snorts another line in plain view.

Fuck You. I doubt you had that dream. I know why you wrote. Despite everything, despite your body bereft of a soul, despite 8 months, despite that everyone may think me absolutely mad, "magical thinking" is the term, despite it all,

you feel it,

you feel it,

I'm falling in love again, and it's not with you.

Double Stuff

I can't tell whether I'm falling in love or whether it's gratitude for saving almost 100 bucks a month in crotch waxing.

I'll have the...cyanide

After much emailing, calling, and baby sitter bribing on the "girls'" part, we finally found a night to meet for dinner. Someone suggested a chain restaurant new to the area and a few blocks from my house. (Think large state and rodeo.) Not exactly my cup of tea, but after all the wrangling everyone went through, I was happy to see any of them, anywhere.

Three of us made typical small talk in the lobby ("You shouldn't have to swallow after you finish your undergraduate degree") while waiting for Notorious Late KLJ, when I was distracted by a quick motion in the corner of the foyer. Sure enough, a small black form scurried from one end of the benches to the other.

Rats, we had to go to another restaurant.

Another teacher in my school has relatives that live in my neighborhood. One of her nephews snuck (sneaked, snake, snuck) outside for a smoke and clandestine phone call to a forbidden girlfriend when a rat (drum roll) FELL FROM THE SKY and landed at his feet. The rat was still alive, writhing in pain. Evidently, a hawk had dropped it.

Gotta go, time for breakfast.

Low ri-der

In honor of today's holiday, I'm off to declare myself a god, steal some gold, and enslave a village. Toodles!

This is me...

...bouncing back.

Nevermind, relax

"So I hope you're looking forward to seeing me, 'cause I'm so ready to see you."
"Yes," I said, but thought-then why...
"Whatever you want to do baby, let me know."
"Ok," I said, but thought, then why...
"I should learn how to dance, 'cause you love it so."
"I do," I said, then thought-

Why, why did you update your "other" profiles with new pictures?

Why can't I be someone's? I don't need to be anyone's "world"-I have too much in my life to meet that obligation, but as pathetic and sappy as it sounds, I long to be someone's only. I know there must be something wrong with me that I just can't see, but I can't, I don't know what it is that I do, or don't do, or lack.

Even when I wait a while, I just end up being a piece of ass.

Signs the end is near

MJ "Hey, girl, what's new?"
KS "I'd marry him and have his baby."

Friend's jaw drops as I clamp my hand over my mouth with such force that the smack is heard down the block. We look at each other, speechless, then slowly back away toward our cars before speeding away to the nearest Wal-Mart for duct tape and bubble wrap.