Happy Daze

Dude, playing Fur Elise, or trying to play Fur Elise after taking a Tylenol p.m., even at half the dose, is interesting. Well, slow. Very, very slow.

The beau has passed the three month mark and I haven't dropped him out of boredom or annoyance. I hope he sticks around.

I think a better word for "boredom" would be "snoredom".

Hee hee hee. The lawn guy just called. I think he had a Tylenol p.m., too. We just had this conversation that involved a lot of giggling from both ends. Can I afford lawn care? Nope, but when I started to do the end-of-the-season shit this afternoon I thought, "Screw this. It looks like crap when the offspring and I do it. I'll splurge." Splurgee splurgee splurgee. What the hell is in this stuff? I took half the recommended dosageness. I was going to go shower, but now I'm afraid that I'll wake up in an hour pruney, giggling, soap foaming from my mouth with a rat perched on my should singing Oh, Susannah!.

And I won't even mention the chewed up pumpkins

Oh, and Manolo, how are your twins these days? Precocious little cuties, aren't they? Just asking because the trunk to my car won't open. Both the automatic opener and the inside button don't work. Also, ahem, ah, the cat is strung up in the tree again and my trowel seems to have disappeared...Hah, those practical jokers! Was the neighbor's baby ever returned?

So anyway, no worries about the cat (it's not mine) or the trowel, but if I could open my trunk again, that'd be great. No questions asked, and I'd even though we're not supposed to leave food out due to the rats, I could leave some cashews accidental-like at the back of the garage.

Thanks so much.
KS

P.S. Love their new colors.

Turn out the lights

Dear Squirrels,

We regret to inform you that one of your own was recently gruesomely murdered in front of our house. Out of respect and in appreciation of your ongoing offers to rid us of rats, we sprayed the corpse with the sprinkler to shoo away the flies, and chased away the neighborhood boys who were poking it with a stick. We are so sorry for your loss.

In Sympathy,
KS and company

On a personal note, songs that I never thought would make me tear up: Rehab by Amy Winehouse, and I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt. And I'm not even premenstrual.

Peach and Black

It is truly amazing to see what a classic, well cut black dress with a pair of killer heels can do to a guy. Even better is when you're walking up the stairs in front of him and he just barely catches a glimpse of what might be-nah,...no wait, yes it is, black thigh high stockings trimmed with lace.

My favorite part is watching his face as he tries to chit chat while concentrating on not getting hard.

A cape, a sarong, and cowboy boots

Kinky Friedman is speaking at the Mark Twain House tonight, and I can't go due to a family obligation. WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ratwurst

I never thought I'd get so excited over a new garbage can, but our town-delivered anti-rat trash receptacles are awesome. I'd like to decorate them to taunt the vermin-photos of cheese, big smiling cat faces, pictures of innocent babies with chubby pink limbs chained helplessly to cribs while they thumb their noses. Stuff like that.

Totally Tubular

Like, I think I like, like like the beau. Like, really like. Like make one of those origami-esque triangular paper thingies with the questions and stuff and put his name in it like. Not that I'd like, admit it or anything, but here, I'll say it, yeah, like, yep, a-huh.

TMI JFY

I couldn't figure out if my back was sore due to a wicked workout or menstrual cramping, but after a fistful of Advil, I no longer care.

They also say that orgasms may help relieve cramping, so if you'll excuse me for a minute...

She's so bad at math, her ovaries can't count to 28

In my classroom after lunch: a 3 foot high hard rubber rat and and plastic mini rat attached to a trap that squeals, courtesy of the band of prankster lesbians.

My giggling but confused students watched from their seats as I pulled a large Simba from the closet, glued a black string to its mouth and added a post-it that said, "Mmmm. Tasty." We placed it in a large green canvas bag and *snuck it into the gym. At the end of the day, I removed the batteries from the trap and attached a note."Sorry about the batteries...but I'm a lonely woman."

Our contract clearly states no horseplay on school grounds, but it doesn't say anything about Tomfoolery.

*fine, not a real word. One of our regional "accents" is that we drop medial t's, and have non-standard past tenses. For example, "We pet the dog yesterday" is common usage in town, even among the edumacated.

My car is burning oil, so I'm off to sacrifice a goat

This, THIS is what gets me into trouble. I am dating a perfectly nice guy who is funny and intelligent, there is sexual chemistry, but am I content with that? Nooooooo. As my sister so aptly observed, we seem to have a great time together, but she doesn't see it as IT for the two of us. So here I am, my ride all pimped out (i.e., eye liner and lipstick in addition to blush and mascara) in case I run into cute Landscaper Guy at the bagel shop, who, (whom?) though handsome and well spoken, is probably not nearly as funny as the beau, but am I going to leave it alone? Noooooo, I'm going to poke at it the way you use a stick to poke at a rat that is not quite dead just to see if it'll bite or foam at the mouth.