Poseidon does somersaults

Do you know what "pelvic rest" means? Here, I'll translate:

IT MEANS NO SEX FOR TWO WEEKS!!! It's the beginning of the second trimester-do you know how much sex rocks then? And ME? Ms Horny all the time anyway!(This includes self-gratification, but, fortunately for the BF, bj's are fine.)

And, the ER? NOTHING like Scrubs.

(Baby's fine, long story.)

Last time I freaked out

Was the previous post a bit mean, perhaps? Disrespectful? Rude and cutting? Well, be assured, dear readers, that I have paid, and paid dearly, for it.

Yesterday I arose with a wave of nausea that not even the most saltiney of saltines could quell, so I was confined to the couch with cold water and a good book-not the worst thing in the world.

And then I heard a sound a bit like a crow. It didn't start low, but it continued to grow.

Was it the sweet Whos down from Whoville, with their sweet Christmas singing?

Why no! It was the annual outdoor, miked for a Metallica concert, Karaoke talent show held in the schoolyard across the street, with many Mily Cyrus and Rhianna classics, as well as 38 renditions of Hot Cross buns on every squeaky instrument known to man, with KS too sick to drive out of town.

So, elderhostlers*, your great-great-grandchildren have exacted their revenge.

*I once stole an elderhostler sign, but honestly, don't remember the exact meaning.

***Turns out it's not a real word, though elderhostel is. Perhaps one who attends an elderhostel?

Reason 2,368,431 why I'm going to hell

Why didn't SOMEONE tell me that Mondays at 2:00 are when ALL the senior citizens of central CT descend upon ONE Stop and Shop and take over the whole entire goddamn thing with their 8 ton Buicks, three-speed motorized scooters (set to snail, turtle or slug) and broken hearing aids?

Just because

This image may look like I'm trying to be suggestive, but I was really just trying to show off a bruise.

Bawk bawk ribbit

A soft, squishy package arrived in the mail yesterday, and I was completely clueless about its contents and origins.

It turned out to be a T-shirt from my sister:

They say I'm A.D.D., but they just don't understand.
Oh, Look! A Chicken!

I'm off to the gym for the first time in two weeks.

Ah...it's the pregnancy hormones?

Ahem. After moving to the basement from the boyfriend's bedroom in order to avoid the oppressive heat, his snoring, and the poodle walking on my head, I may have said to the poodle that followed me down, "Get the fuck off this couch or I'm going to barbecue you."

Hey, it worked.

Mmm, mmm good

Cube the ciabatta and break out the apple slices-there's a fondue fountain of a cheese-like substance oozing out of my ear. (Serves 4-6.)

I can sit up!

Splish, splash goes something on my shoulder yet again. Oh, is her roof leaking? you wonder. Oh, my, no. Is she outside with a laptop on a rainy day? No, my dears, I do not own a laptop, and even I would know not to use it in the rain. Well, then, what could it possible be?

Well, darlings, it is a combination of earwax, puss and liquid draining from my right ear. Since Monday, I have defiled my usually clean home with dirty tissues, bowls of mostly untouched chicken soup, and thin piles of salt that were left after my tears of pain evaporated. I've lost four pounds (the baby is fine), stopped washing my hair, and I think, I think, I may have worn the same pair of underwear for more than 24 hours.

This was less fun than the Thanksgiving I had to pull the innards out of 30 semi-frozen turkeys.

When was the last time you saw a good, old-fahioned human sacrifice?

It's a great guy who will download episodes of the Muppet Show ...and watch them with you as well. After watching a few episodes, I realized why I'm so weird. It was one of the few programs that we were allowed to watch regularly as children, and boy, is it wacky. Bar scenes, muppets drinking whiskey and smoking, Kenny Rogers singing The Gambler, and, well, the mere presence of John Cleese (tied to a chair and gagged) on the set of a "children's" program is rather nutty.