Oh, I look pale?

Saltines are my friends. Come hither, my little preciouses. Snuggle with me a little. And when all that's left of you are crackly crumbs in the depths of my sheets, I'll pretend I'm a vacuum cleaner and Hoover you up with my lips.

I really thought I'd be one of those women who would continue her workout regime at the same intensity and duration. HA.

Memorial Day snippets

Boyfriend to KS's dad:
"So, when you open the trunk, who do you think is going to be happy to see you, your wife or the dog?"

Teenagers, lined up, using best manners:
"KS, may we have some bleach?"
"For what?"
"The squirt guns?"

Two year old, singing at top of lungs:
"Mommy has hair on her hiney, mommy has hair on her hiney!"

Boyfriend's brother, upon arriving, to KS:
"Congratulations? I mean, it's a good congratulations, right?"
"Yes, of course, we're very happy."
"Oh, good! Here's a bottle of wine...that you can't drink..."

Rather Random and Randy

Oh my GOD, the AGONY! An obsessive compulsive bather with a brand new tub/tile/window/ceiling panel installation, and I can't use it until 7:30 tonight. Why not just dangle a margarita and raw white tuna from the shower head to take me completely over the edge?

I did shower at the new, smaller gym owned by my trainer pals. 'Twas only I and one of the trainers when I ducked into the locker room, and I was suddenly struck by the thought of our naked, soapy bodies slipping against each other in a cramped, steamy stall, groping each other, my legs wrapped around his waist...but that fantasy was completely ruined by my practical side, which interrupted to scold, "You can't let your body get above 102* for any length of time." F*cker.

I would have thought I was hallucinating if someone else hadn't seen it too: a black squirrel with a grey/blond tail. It was all alone, shunned by both squirrel communities.

What's a mo-mo?

When you sliding down the pole, no panties, no shirt.

...Leaving a trail of thick slug slime...

Slap that bass

The story is that when my Intermediate tap class and I flap flap ball-changed our way into an X formation that turned clockwise, my son broke out into Springtime for Hitler.

Poseidon Mokimoto, Jr.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I thought the invitations to join the moms' groups on Myspace were dumb. Now I think they're absolutely foocking stupid.

The only person at work that knows that I'm pregnant is the nurse. I love it. Healthy, huh, using a pregnancy to be passive aggressive? I do have a meeting in August so I imagine that it may be obvious by then, but if I could wait until the first day of school, I would. The annoying first grade teacher (who admittedly, comes into my room less often since I stopped acknowledging her when she enters during instructional time, though she still asks me for food) has begun asking me about activities for next year. I smile and agree with each one, while mentally rubbing my hands and laughing maniacally, because my plan is to be out from the December break to the April break.

hehheheheheheheheh

Stoopit

Because I haven't been pregnant in 17 years, I'd forgotten that I get all Flowers for Algernon when I'm expecting. I'd relate some stories, but itss takin mee a our two tipe this.

Sex

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. That's all I think about. It's all I dream about. And it's not like I don't get it good every Saturday night...and Sunday morning, three or four times. I thought those hormones didn't kick in until the second trimester. At this rate, people will see me drooling on the street and think, "Oh, there goes the pregnant lady, lusting after those cookies in the bakery window," but no, I'll be walking over to hump the knot in an oak tree.

Burping up egg rolls

Three weeks ago, offering to cook salmon for Mother's Day seemed like a really good idea.

Now, I'm not so sure if I'll even be able to look at it through the glass case in the grocery store.

Stark, raving mad

Ah, there's nothing, nothing like having poison ivy on your legs and torso, then wearing stockings on a warm and muggy day.

Try it.

The eyes are the window to your face

My son has a reputation for being a Good, Honest and Kind boy. If he were in an Uncle Wiggly story, he would be known as The Boy Who Always Made His Mother Cookies When She Was On The Rag, or, The Boy Who Meticulously Mowed The Lawn For A Very Long Time When His Mother Was In Her Bedroom Entertaining...well, you get the picture.

He is, however, my son.

He called my friend KJ on Monday, whom I had just told I was expecting.

"Hey, kid! Wow, what's up?"
"Not much KJ, but I'm a little concerned about something."
"Ok, what's going on?"
"Well, mom keeps on talking on the phone for a long time to EVERYBODY."
"Ok, what's wrong with that?"
"She hates the phone. And whenever someone is over, she sends me out of the room to talk to them. What's going on?"
"Hey, kid, you're not going to get anything out of me."
"And, the last time my dad was over, he left smiling, but at the same time he seemed a little weird."
"Well..."
"Come on, I'll bake you cookies, bread, whatever you want, I have some killer recipes."
"NO! Talk to your mom. You're not getting anything out of me!"

This went on for a while, with the son offering bribes and proof that something was afoot, and KJ trying to reassure him without giving any information.

The wicked part is that we had told my son the week before.

Rabbit season

Ah, pregnancy, it truly changes a woman's perspective on life. For example, when I used to see Mr. Bunny in the yard, I used to think, "Aw, Mr. Bunny, you are SO cute!" Yesterday, however, when I saw TWO Mr. Bunnies in the yard, I thought, "Mmmmm, stew!"

He had it comin'

If he sings "You're Having My Baby" ONE MORE TIME...!

Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, where the f*ck are you?

It's cold, it's damp, and my friend had a few glasses of wine last night and has bailed on running this morning with the local women's running group. Should I stay or should I go now? Guess I'll drink the two ounces of weak caffeinated that I haven't been completely weaned off of yet and then make a decision.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Hey, 3.1 miles under 31 minutes, not bad for training.

You heard it here first!

The coolest thing about the pre-natal vitamins is that they now make a brand with a laxative, so, for the first time in months, I laid a beautiful, huge, steaming mass of waste that was a wonder to behold.

I'd say we're as happy as clams, but I don't think I'm supposed to touch those either.